Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I need to align my fucking chakras
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
