I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
