youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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