Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Randomize
