sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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