I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
