Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
