Please, let me fuck your mom
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
My vagina just clenched in fear
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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