Tell her she can't have a vagina
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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