"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
