so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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