sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
