i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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