so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
