chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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