No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
