Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
