This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
