I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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