Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
