Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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