I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
