omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Randomize