got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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