I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Randomize
