I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
