omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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