All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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