Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
