At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
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Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
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All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize