we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I don't deserve a penis
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
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