Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
