tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
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