My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
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