A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
