highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I love how my cats smell like pot.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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