4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Randomize
