he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
ok first of all what the fuck
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
