how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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