I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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