Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
P.S. I can't hear my feet
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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