Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
