I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
