A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
