So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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