My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
