How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
