i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
tell me about the fingering
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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