I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Randomize
