aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
