Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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