sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
