I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Randomize
