I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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