There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
