if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
