How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Randomize
