i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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