A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
