forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
