So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
