I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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