I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
