it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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