nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Randomize
